I'm a Fairfax County Cop Because Walmart Isn't Hiring: January 2011

Gun Fight Caught on Tape

Fairfax County Hires Officer of Unknown Origin

Fairfax County Police have agreed to hire Jean or Gene Nelson as a uniformed officer. Nelson will be exempt from the standard hiring procedures and training required of most Fairfax County employees.

When asked to explain, Fairfax County Spokesman Mary Ann Jennings screamed, “Let us hear that concern! We are not hearing it from anybody except the media, except individual reporters!" She then jumped on her broom, flew out a window, and disappeared into the sky surrounded by those flying monkeys’ things from the Wizard of Oz, the ones with the bellhop hats that kicked the shit out of the Straw man. Anyway....

In regard to Nelson, Chief Roareher said....

......you know, just to be clear, the flying monkeys are different from those lion looking things with the English army fur hats who marched around the castle singing “Oreo” although nobody I ever met can figure that one out, I mean why “Oreo”? Anyway...

In regard to Nelson, Chief Roareher said ...We hired it because, it came in and demanded a job and then ate two of my guys. I shot it but the son of bitch ate my gun”

Officer Nelson starts work on Monday

Fairfax Police hire new Officer Friendly

Bubba "Down he goes" Dunphy has been hired as the new "Officer Friendly" to interact with the countys youth. In the press release it was explained that Dunphy was hired because "He works cheap, and he's pretty friendly......aside from that biting incident a few years back, and frankly that dog was looking for trouble, you ask me, he had ever right to bite him.....but he's pretty friendly......you know, as long as you don't look him in the eyes or anything" Dunphy will assume his duties...yeah I know, I used the word duties....as soon as the medication wears off.

Chief Roarerererr-erneeds eyes behind his head

Claiming that he is widely hated within his department, Fairfax County Police Chief Roarerher-er recently had the Fairfax Board of Ssupervisors pay for an operation that placed eyes in the back of his head. When asked why the supervisors would pay for such an operation, the chief replied "Number one, I wasn't using my head for noth'n else and number...what number are we on?...anyway, they'll do what ever the fuck I tell em to do...how else do you think we get away with the shit we pull?

Fairfax Police introduce crime stopper super hero

In a frantic, last minute attempt to turn back the losing tide on their “War on texting” Fairfax County Police spent $2,000,000 hiring a super hero cop they have dubbed “Officer Cool Aid” . When asked to explain the $2 million price tag, Chief Roarerhehr-er-er said “Fuck it, it ain’t my money”